You know you are in HEL(L) when

"Chal peene" are your favourite two words. So much so, that you say it every time you get screwed in a test or a presentation. Basically, everyday

In case you are an engineer, when you got admission your friends were most excited about the awesome DU girls you will get to meet.

You love to move about in IIM-L Tshirts, Sweat shirts etc. You have such a huge collection that you hardly have any other clothes.

In case you came into IIM-L single, you are still single.

If you were committed when you came to IIM-L, you are still committed but the object (guy/girl) has changed.

In the first year, you felt the whole Internet, infrastructure, mess and the entire system sucks. When you entered the second year, you realized that status quo is the best way to move forward.

You hate the PGP office with more vengeance than Thakur hated Gabbar or Harry hated Voldemort.

You have spammed more than once in your life. And have also shown disgust at somebody else’s spam.

You free-ride most of the time and yet bitch about other people in the group freeriding.

You are convinced that Not Just Tea's food is much better than GNB’s and GNB inflates canteen bills. Or Vice Versa.  Although there is no evidence to prove the same.

You realize some things need to be changed. But when they do, you create a furore and dare the person who changed them.

You have not seen the cover of most of the books of the subject you have already passed with a decent grade.

Your favourite game is “Candy Crush Saga".

You participate in every damn college competition. Even if it is an operations or an HR game and you are a hardcore finance person.

You do social work to build up CV points. In fact, you believe that the very reason for human existence is "collection of CV points”.

You are an absolute stud at Googling and can unearth reports from Scribd, Management Paradise etc on any topic without even batting an eyelid. Also, you know how to fool Turnitin.

You are terrified of QAM-3 even though you had aced the very same concepts during engineering.

Your most often visited websites are Wikipedia, SlideShare and Facebook.

You feel that Gupta Ji is the most important person on campus, particularly at the end of a gruelling week.

No matter how busy you are, you will definitely find time to read such silly attempts of your batch-mates.

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Reviewnakam Chennai Express La

Ye movie dekhne ka baad hum sochti ki hum ye movie kyu dekhti. Isse achcha toh hum room pe download karke Twilight hi dekh leti. Movie mein kam se kam 5 times murder and yeleven times suicide karne ka mann karti. Ek time hoti jab Shahrukh typical loverboy role mein acha lagti. Kuch Kuch Hoti Hai, Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham La, Veer Zaaramma etc dekhne jaati toh shahrukh acha lagti aur hum uska fan ban jaati. Lekin vo apne star power ko misuse karti. Rab ne Bana di Jodi se Jab tak hai Jaan aur natural disaster Ra One mein vo typical constipated face banaati, arms outstretch karti aur overacting karti. Usko lagti ki audience chutiya hoti and ki uska star power se movie bina story ke hit ho jaati. Ye trend vo is fillim mein bhi continue karti. Vo poori movie mein apna funny endearing caricature banane ka koshish karti aur usko overdo karke sudience ko irritate karti. Hum kasam khaati peeti ki srk ka ab se koi movie nahi dekhti. Ab hum movie ka review degi. Isme spoiler hoti toh please toh isko vohi padhti jo dekhne nahi jaati aur paisa bachaati.

First thing's first, Chennai Express puraane Bollywood movies ka south Indian khichdi hoti ( rasam, payasam humko pata nahi hoti aur hum research karne ka effort bhi nahi karti). Jab We Met aur Dhai Akshar Prem ke ka plot mix karti. Movie shuru hoti jaha SRK finally apne aap ko 40 ka bataati lekin abhi bhi vo Rahul hoti. Uska dadaji ek number ka moron hoti kyunki vo Sachin ke 99 pe out hone pe ille ho jaati aur fir chutiyaap last wish bolti ki 50% ashes in Ganga and 50% in Rameshwaram mein immerse karti. Rohit Shetty death ko funnily treat karna chahti aur insensitive ho jaati jab vo SRK aur uske gay friends ko Goan holiday pe bhejti. SRK moral dilemma dikhaati toh einsteinamma logic milta ki goa ka paani eventually jaa ke rameshwaram mein milti. I hope mere urinal ka paani shahrukh ke muh dhone ka paani mein jaa ke mil jaati hum happy hoti.

Cut to Chennai Express la where Deepika periyathalai (DON) ka beti hoti jo ghar se bhaag jaati coz usko weird beard vaale giant milkman type Don se kalyanam nahi karna hoti. 4 heavy heavy gunda SRK ke Nokia Ad se irritate ho ke uska phone fek deti jo bohot achcha karti. Usko bhi fek deti toh aur mazza aati lekin Rohit Shetty aisa nahi karne deti. Vo ab Tamilians ko stereotype karti, Idli khilaati, train mein dirty lungi pehnaati lekin thoda thoda song sequence funny lagti. Deepika cute lagti aur vo movie ka wonly actor hoti jo movie ko bearable banaati. Also, SRK aur Shetty apne old movies ka fun udaati, jisko vo overdo karke kill kar deti. Anyways, SRK Deepika ko bachaana ka chakkar mein Komban pahuch jaati jaha Deepika bolti he is my lover and Father Naariyal cutter nikaalta aur fighting match rakh deta. Dher saara stupidity hota, Unbearable songs bajta jisme SRK aur slutty item girl loud dance karte and surprisingly jo never before hota in Bollywood, in the end, hero heroine ko naatak karte karte real mein pyaar ho jaati. Awwwwwwwwwww.
End mein SRK thoda maarti thoda maar khaati ek lecture deti aur yellow dhoti vaala DON khush ho ke smile deti. Beech mein vo DDLJ style mein Deepika ka haath bhi pakadti but Tamil mein "Jaa lee apni Zindagi nahi bolti"

Also, Rohit Shetty tum itna car kyun udaati. Tumko pata hai car kitna mehenga hoti. Log life ka saving kar ke car khareedti aur tum apna har movie mein car udaati aur bomb kar deti. Aur 70% movie ko tum Tamil mein kyu banaati. Humaara hair nochne ko mann karti. Hum ille pille sunne ko nahi aati. Kabhi kabhi okay lagti but limit ho jaati.
Movie ke end mein Rajni Sir ko tribute hoti jo humko mockery lagti kyunki Coconut mein lassi milaa ke sirf SRK jaisa chutiyappam hi pee sakti.

How to run a government in India : What to do and When

With the heat building up for the Great Indian Tamasha- General Elections 2014, I thought I could do a politically inclined post. In the last 10 years of the UPA government, we have learnt a lot of things, the most important learning being that of "How to Cling on to Power and handle contingencies". Folks, This is How you do it.

Situation #1: Opposition leader trying to do something good.

What to say:

1. He is acting against larger national and secular interest.
2. Bring up the 1993 and 2002 riots in all speeches and link everything he does, to some anti-national and     communal conspiracy.

3. This is against the culture of our great nation/ This is not how things are done in this country/ This is         against the vision of our great leader Rajiv Gandhi.

What to do:1. Employ the media to run after him like hounds and try to catch each and every slip he makes during his speeches. Exaggerate and dramatize the controversial remarks while chosing to ignore issues regarding governance.
2. Portray him as the evil incarnate of Hitler+Napoleon+Stalin+PGP office combined.
3. Appoint intellectuals like Digvijay Singh, Manish Tewari as spokespersons and enjoy the gobar slinging between your party and the other.
4. Send your young incompetent and dim witted buffoon of a leader to make big speeches and feed nothing but empty glorious dreams to people.
 
Situation #2 : Terrorist Attack.

What to say:1. We condemn this attack. It is an inhuman act of cowardice and we are united in condemning it.
2. We have declared Red Alert across the country and investigation is going on.       
3. It was a clear case of Intelligence failure and opposition party is responsible for that failure.
4. In the previous government, there were more number of people dying in terrorist attacks than our government. Hence the country is now safer. Thoda bahut toh chalta hai.

What to do:
1. Release statements such as " Thik Hai" and " We salute the spirit of this city"
2. Announce compensation for the dead and injured and siphon the allotted funds somewhere.
3. Put out unrecognisable sketches and keep saying that the police is doing their job.
4. Invite Hina Rabbani Khar to India or send either Salman Khurshid or S.M Krishna type people overseas.
5. This is the most important. Stop playing cricket against Pakistan.

Situation #3:  Corruption and Scams

What to say:

1. All allegations are baseless, untrue and politically motivated.
2. We have full faith in the country's judiciary and the law will take its own course.
3. Mr ABC was acting on his own and party/government had nothing to do with it.
4. Mr ABC is being made a scapegoat. Bring up coffin scam and other scams during previous government to achieve moral high ground.

What to do:

1. Do nothing. Ignore it.
2. Employ Delhi Police and CBI into investigating Sreesanth and Vindu Dara Singh's girlfriends and porn infested hard drives.
3. Hope for a rape or two in the global rape capital so that people start protesting and forget about the scam.Employ even more Police to calm the protests. Do nothing about the rape either.
4. Hope for Sachin Tendulkar to announce retirement.
5. Tell CBI to do investigation in super slow motion.
6. Blame CAG, Swiss Banks, Arvind Kejriwal, other political parties and sack a couple of people to keep them away from the spotlight.

Situation #4 : Fucked up economy, Rising Prices, Fuel Price Hike etc

What to say:
1. Quote bullshit study and say that most of India earns more than Rs 32 a day and hence no one is poor.
2. In the long run, prices will definitely come down and markets will stabilize.
3. The country's financial machinery is well equipped to handle the situation. We are not as affected by the global economic conditions as compared to other countries.
4. Do not forget that India is a growth story and we used to grow at 9% GDP only a while back.

What to do:1. Ask RBI to pull some magic. Tell them to increase/decrease and play with interest rates. If situation doesn't improve, one can always say that the RBI's actions were not sufficient/ RBI delayed in acting/ RBI is an RSS agent.
2. Get someone Harvard professor or hotshot corporate bigwig to give economics gyaan on TV.
3. Increase prices of petrol and roll it back after two days, shifting the focus to coalition pressures.
4. Release advertisements such as "EMI hua kam, Ghumne chale hum" and " India Shining" etc to make people nauseatic,irritated,amused and delirious at the same time. This surge of multiple emotions will render them incapable of processing information.
5. Ask people to pee in dams to increase flow of water in rivers so that our agrarian economic growth is somehow salvaged. Tell people to ride cycle or plain and simply Fuck off if they protest against petrol prices.

And that my friends, is how to run a goverment in India.