You know you are in HEL(L) when

"Chal peene" are your favourite two words. So much so, that you say it every time you get screwed in a test or a presentation. Basically, everyday

In case you are an engineer, when you got admission your friends were most excited about the awesome DU girls you will get to meet.

You love to move about in IIM-L Tshirts, Sweat shirts etc. You have such a huge collection that you hardly have any other clothes.

In case you came into IIM-L single, you are still single.

If you were committed when you came to IIM-L, you are still committed but the object (guy/girl) has changed.

In the first year, you felt the whole Internet, infrastructure, mess and the entire system sucks. When you entered the second year, you realized that status quo is the best way to move forward.

You hate the PGP office with more vengeance than Thakur hated Gabbar or Harry hated Voldemort.

You have spammed more than once in your life. And have also shown disgust at somebody else’s spam.

You free-ride most of the time and yet bitch about other people in the group freeriding.

You are convinced that Not Just Tea's food is much better than GNB’s and GNB inflates canteen bills. Or Vice Versa.  Although there is no evidence to prove the same.

You realize some things need to be changed. But when they do, you create a furore and dare the person who changed them.

You have not seen the cover of most of the books of the subject you have already passed with a decent grade.

Your favourite game is “Candy Crush Saga".

You participate in every damn college competition. Even if it is an operations or an HR game and you are a hardcore finance person.

You do social work to build up CV points. In fact, you believe that the very reason for human existence is "collection of CV points”.

You are an absolute stud at Googling and can unearth reports from Scribd, Management Paradise etc on any topic without even batting an eyelid. Also, you know how to fool Turnitin.

You are terrified of QAM-3 even though you had aced the very same concepts during engineering.

Your most often visited websites are Wikipedia, SlideShare and Facebook.

You feel that Gupta Ji is the most important person on campus, particularly at the end of a gruelling week.

No matter how busy you are, you will definitely find time to read such silly attempts of your batch-mates.

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Reviewnakam Chennai Express La

Ye movie dekhne ka baad hum sochti ki hum ye movie kyu dekhti. Isse achcha toh hum room pe download karke Twilight hi dekh leti. Movie mein kam se kam 5 times murder and yeleven times suicide karne ka mann karti. Ek time hoti jab Shahrukh typical loverboy role mein acha lagti. Kuch Kuch Hoti Hai, Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham La, Veer Zaaramma etc dekhne jaati toh shahrukh acha lagti aur hum uska fan ban jaati. Lekin vo apne star power ko misuse karti. Rab ne Bana di Jodi se Jab tak hai Jaan aur natural disaster Ra One mein vo typical constipated face banaati, arms outstretch karti aur overacting karti. Usko lagti ki audience chutiya hoti and ki uska star power se movie bina story ke hit ho jaati. Ye trend vo is fillim mein bhi continue karti. Vo poori movie mein apna funny endearing caricature banane ka koshish karti aur usko overdo karke sudience ko irritate karti. Hum kasam khaati peeti ki srk ka ab se koi movie nahi dekhti. Ab hum movie ka review degi. Isme spoiler hoti toh please toh isko vohi padhti jo dekhne nahi jaati aur paisa bachaati.

First thing's first, Chennai Express puraane Bollywood movies ka south Indian khichdi hoti ( rasam, payasam humko pata nahi hoti aur hum research karne ka effort bhi nahi karti). Jab We Met aur Dhai Akshar Prem ke ka plot mix karti. Movie shuru hoti jaha SRK finally apne aap ko 40 ka bataati lekin abhi bhi vo Rahul hoti. Uska dadaji ek number ka moron hoti kyunki vo Sachin ke 99 pe out hone pe ille ho jaati aur fir chutiyaap last wish bolti ki 50% ashes in Ganga and 50% in Rameshwaram mein immerse karti. Rohit Shetty death ko funnily treat karna chahti aur insensitive ho jaati jab vo SRK aur uske gay friends ko Goan holiday pe bhejti. SRK moral dilemma dikhaati toh einsteinamma logic milta ki goa ka paani eventually jaa ke rameshwaram mein milti. I hope mere urinal ka paani shahrukh ke muh dhone ka paani mein jaa ke mil jaati hum happy hoti.

Cut to Chennai Express la where Deepika periyathalai (DON) ka beti hoti jo ghar se bhaag jaati coz usko weird beard vaale giant milkman type Don se kalyanam nahi karna hoti. 4 heavy heavy gunda SRK ke Nokia Ad se irritate ho ke uska phone fek deti jo bohot achcha karti. Usko bhi fek deti toh aur mazza aati lekin Rohit Shetty aisa nahi karne deti. Vo ab Tamilians ko stereotype karti, Idli khilaati, train mein dirty lungi pehnaati lekin thoda thoda song sequence funny lagti. Deepika cute lagti aur vo movie ka wonly actor hoti jo movie ko bearable banaati. Also, SRK aur Shetty apne old movies ka fun udaati, jisko vo overdo karke kill kar deti. Anyways, SRK Deepika ko bachaana ka chakkar mein Komban pahuch jaati jaha Deepika bolti he is my lover and Father Naariyal cutter nikaalta aur fighting match rakh deta. Dher saara stupidity hota, Unbearable songs bajta jisme SRK aur slutty item girl loud dance karte and surprisingly jo never before hota in Bollywood, in the end, hero heroine ko naatak karte karte real mein pyaar ho jaati. Awwwwwwwwwww.
End mein SRK thoda maarti thoda maar khaati ek lecture deti aur yellow dhoti vaala DON khush ho ke smile deti. Beech mein vo DDLJ style mein Deepika ka haath bhi pakadti but Tamil mein "Jaa lee apni Zindagi nahi bolti"

Also, Rohit Shetty tum itna car kyun udaati. Tumko pata hai car kitna mehenga hoti. Log life ka saving kar ke car khareedti aur tum apna har movie mein car udaati aur bomb kar deti. Aur 70% movie ko tum Tamil mein kyu banaati. Humaara hair nochne ko mann karti. Hum ille pille sunne ko nahi aati. Kabhi kabhi okay lagti but limit ho jaati.
Movie ke end mein Rajni Sir ko tribute hoti jo humko mockery lagti kyunki Coconut mein lassi milaa ke sirf SRK jaisa chutiyappam hi pee sakti.

How to run a government in India : What to do and When

With the heat building up for the Great Indian Tamasha- General Elections 2014, I thought I could do a politically inclined post. In the last 10 years of the UPA government, we have learnt a lot of things, the most important learning being that of "How to Cling on to Power and handle contingencies". Folks, This is How you do it.

Situation #1: Opposition leader trying to do something good.

What to say:

1. He is acting against larger national and secular interest.
2. Bring up the 1993 and 2002 riots in all speeches and link everything he does, to some anti-national and     communal conspiracy.

3. This is against the culture of our great nation/ This is not how things are done in this country/ This is         against the vision of our great leader Rajiv Gandhi.

What to do:1. Employ the media to run after him like hounds and try to catch each and every slip he makes during his speeches. Exaggerate and dramatize the controversial remarks while chosing to ignore issues regarding governance.
2. Portray him as the evil incarnate of Hitler+Napoleon+Stalin+PGP office combined.
3. Appoint intellectuals like Digvijay Singh, Manish Tewari as spokespersons and enjoy the gobar slinging between your party and the other.
4. Send your young incompetent and dim witted buffoon of a leader to make big speeches and feed nothing but empty glorious dreams to people.
 
Situation #2 : Terrorist Attack.

What to say:1. We condemn this attack. It is an inhuman act of cowardice and we are united in condemning it.
2. We have declared Red Alert across the country and investigation is going on.       
3. It was a clear case of Intelligence failure and opposition party is responsible for that failure.
4. In the previous government, there were more number of people dying in terrorist attacks than our government. Hence the country is now safer. Thoda bahut toh chalta hai.

What to do:
1. Release statements such as " Thik Hai" and " We salute the spirit of this city"
2. Announce compensation for the dead and injured and siphon the allotted funds somewhere.
3. Put out unrecognisable sketches and keep saying that the police is doing their job.
4. Invite Hina Rabbani Khar to India or send either Salman Khurshid or S.M Krishna type people overseas.
5. This is the most important. Stop playing cricket against Pakistan.

Situation #3:  Corruption and Scams

What to say:

1. All allegations are baseless, untrue and politically motivated.
2. We have full faith in the country's judiciary and the law will take its own course.
3. Mr ABC was acting on his own and party/government had nothing to do with it.
4. Mr ABC is being made a scapegoat. Bring up coffin scam and other scams during previous government to achieve moral high ground.

What to do:

1. Do nothing. Ignore it.
2. Employ Delhi Police and CBI into investigating Sreesanth and Vindu Dara Singh's girlfriends and porn infested hard drives.
3. Hope for a rape or two in the global rape capital so that people start protesting and forget about the scam.Employ even more Police to calm the protests. Do nothing about the rape either.
4. Hope for Sachin Tendulkar to announce retirement.
5. Tell CBI to do investigation in super slow motion.
6. Blame CAG, Swiss Banks, Arvind Kejriwal, other political parties and sack a couple of people to keep them away from the spotlight.

Situation #4 : Fucked up economy, Rising Prices, Fuel Price Hike etc

What to say:
1. Quote bullshit study and say that most of India earns more than Rs 32 a day and hence no one is poor.
2. In the long run, prices will definitely come down and markets will stabilize.
3. The country's financial machinery is well equipped to handle the situation. We are not as affected by the global economic conditions as compared to other countries.
4. Do not forget that India is a growth story and we used to grow at 9% GDP only a while back.

What to do:1. Ask RBI to pull some magic. Tell them to increase/decrease and play with interest rates. If situation doesn't improve, one can always say that the RBI's actions were not sufficient/ RBI delayed in acting/ RBI is an RSS agent.
2. Get someone Harvard professor or hotshot corporate bigwig to give economics gyaan on TV.
3. Increase prices of petrol and roll it back after two days, shifting the focus to coalition pressures.
4. Release advertisements such as "EMI hua kam, Ghumne chale hum" and " India Shining" etc to make people nauseatic,irritated,amused and delirious at the same time. This surge of multiple emotions will render them incapable of processing information.
5. Ask people to pee in dams to increase flow of water in rivers so that our agrarian economic growth is somehow salvaged. Tell people to ride cycle or plain and simply Fuck off if they protest against petrol prices.

And that my friends, is how to run a goverment in India.          

How to make an Awesome PPT

Well, after a year of making all sorts of presentations in B-School and a summer internship, I have discovered the Raam-Baan/ Gurumantra of making ppts. Presentations have ranged from ones requiring extensive preparation to data intensive to full of globe to impromptu to Q&A based to my favourite one- Where you involve the audience in the "discussion", not because you want to, but because there isn't enough content on the god damn slides. 

The idea to make a good presentation is to keep it simple, clean and in bullet points.However, the art of making a great ppt lies in impressing upon the audience that you have greater knowledge of the subject that is being discussed. For this absolute knowledge about the audience is of paramount importance. Your professor is generally a workaholic, sleep deprived gentleman with a keen eye for detail. It’s important to exploit all the above weaknesses to create a classy presentation designed to kill. We now move on to a dossier on How to make the best ppts.

1. If you are a pretty girl or your group has one, start with a deliberate technical glitch which looks genuine. For example take a random .swf file to a place where you are absolutely sure that no flash player is in sight. The teary eyed female would arouse sympathy. 

PS : In case you are an ugly fat male, do not even try this stunt. You would arouse extreme anger instead of sympathy and your presentation is ruined at the first instance

2. Take a note pad with you. The notepad would basically have gibberish but it should seem you have made presentation notes based on some brilliant research. Insist that the light be kept open so that you can read it out. This would also ensure that you can put random crap on your slides as they would not be visible properly.

3. Remember this. Cluttered ppt is an Awesome ppt. Because the inflated B-School ego will make sure that no one admits that they did not understand your ppt. Make the first slide as cluttered as possible. Put all kinds of smart art, weird figures and random charts copy pasted. Refer all of the material. Curve arrows going from top to bottom work best to confuse the tired mind of the evaluator and would put him off to sleep. 

4. The second slide should only have figures. You can copy paste the balance sheet of the biggest company which is remotely associated with your topic. If you are the king of the free-riders, you can also put random data like CIP = 100% which is loosely interpreted as Chutiyaap in this presentation is equal to 100%. 

5. Never ever mention any word that is remotely linked to the subject expertise of the evaluator. These sex deprived workaholic’s only get orgasms after listening to such things and would rape you within the next two minutes. 

6. Keep a stop watch to repeat the following lines religiously after every 90 seconds – 

• For Marketing ppts – “Providing customer value is the most important. Customer is the king”

• For Finance ppts – “Providing shareholder value is the most important. Shareholder is the king”

• For HR ppts – “Providing people value is the most important.  People are the king”

• For Consulting ppts – “We did a thorough analysis. Consultant is the king. ”

7. Give 3-4 random solutions to the problem that was given.. Find out (Google) exactly the same number of advantages and disadvantages to all. No less no more. In case your audience was not confused before, they will surely be brainfucked now and that's awesome.

8. After sufficiently confusing the audience, open the forum for questions. Only one question would arise “So what is your final recommendation”. Pick any one, state its advantage and then say but in case (Now return to point 7 and get into an infinite loop). 

Ciao :D

Why to be a Pune Warriors Supporter in this IPL

IPL Season 6 has accomplished the difficult task of becoming an even more irritating television spectacle than the previous versions with the "Nayi Soch Award" , Farah Khan's extremely moronic dance Step along with Mr Danny Morrison and Navjot Singh Sidhu carrying on with their insightful commentary.However, Pune Warriors have been a serious disappointment for the 3rd year running. Here is my $0.02 on why one should still support them, come what may:

1. When you look at Ashok Dinda, with the headband and ridiculous delivery leap and all, you realize that no matter if a billion people think that you are completely useless, there is always that special someone who will still value you at INR 2 crore. At your lowest ebb, you will take heart from the fact and believe that "Life is all about finding that special someone".

2. Such things help you empathize and learn from the Zimbabwean and Bangladeshi Cricket fans who have been going through the same feelings for the past 20 years. If nothing else, supporting Pune will make you a better person. It may also prepare you for the times when our own cricket team goes abroad to get blanked out by South Africa, England etc.

3. You can always put up funny status messages about any Pune player and even Pune fans are bound to like them because most of them would be on Facebook rather than bear the pain of watching the match.

4. A loser team always helps you appreciate the performance of the winning team better. In the end after all, "Cricket is the Winner". You can follow average cricketers like Saurabh Tiwary, Ashok Menaria, Mayank Agarwal, Mithun Manhas etc and when even they start looking good just because they are playing against Pune, you will be rest assured that the future of Indian cricket is in good hands.

5. They beat the team to beat this year. CSK. Yeah, for some reason I hate them. We are kings, Whistle Podu, Yenna Rascala. Fans bloody behave as if Dhoni eats rasam at their house every night for dinner. And Pune did beat them. If not anyone else.

6. They are the only team who totally believes in the philosophy of their owners- The Sahara Group, which is to Take the money home and not bother about performance,giving returns to your investors and such crap. Such devotion and dedication to your owners deserves immense appreciation.

7. The matches get so unbearable that you begin to look for inspiration elsewhere. You read the IF poem by Rudyard Kipling, the poem about the Spartans and the 600 vaali army from Blind Side.You read about Oskar Schindler, Irom Sharmila etc.What did the others get-Their team won and they finished their pizza and slept. You, on the other hand were inspired and more prepared for the bigger things in life.

8. After two years, all people will remember is the winner of the IPL ,that is CSK. No one cares about who came second or 5th etc. So, for the other 8 teams, this IPL will be as meaningless as the Pune Warriors.We fans will not have to needlessly suffer the agony of losing out on a playoff berth due to an umpiring error or losing a close final. We can enjoy the dancing cheerleaders (of the other team), Page 3 celebs, Karishma Kotak. Preity Zinta and all that is to like about the IPL.

9. This one is for the girls. They may not be setting the house on fire with their performance but they have more than a few good looking guys in their ranks e.g Steve Smith, Aaron Finch, Mitchell Marsh, Luke Wright etc. The girls who do not understand cricket but are made to bear it because of their over enthusiastic boyfriends, you have some serious eye candy.

10. Most importantly, Pune fans can get on with their lives, pursue their hobbies and interests which are not even remotely related to cricket. They can stop being a part of the crass IPL bandwagon and do meaningful things in their life. So in case you have a girlfriend, it is time to concentrate on her because immediately after the IPL , there is the Champions Trophy and then there is the South Africa tour, New Zealand tour etc. Now is the time. Who knows when Sachin might retire and you may go in to depression for a year or two.

11. Everyone supports Manchester United. You can be the cool one by supporting say Hull City or Wigan. Life's monotony sometimes is irritating. One could do with a few pleasant and unexpected surprises such as a Pune Warriors victory. For an MI or CSK fan, roz ki baat hai. It's only us who will know the true intrinsic value of something, and that will help us in our investment banking careers.

12. Risk free strategy. If tomorrow, the tin roof falls over the IPL and all cricket boards say that we want to recall our foreign players, other teams will run for their asses and be screwed left and right. But with the quality of international players that Pune has, No board wants them to play for their country. What hindsight, dude.

13. Corporate Social Responsibility and Philanthropy is what every company wants to focus on, but that is being practiced only by the Sahara Group, who have purchased poor SL players like Angelo Matthews and Ajantha Mendis because their board is not paying them, Aaron Finch, Mitchell Marsh and Steve Smith because their board is not picking them and of course awesomely talented Indian players like Udit Birla, Dheeraj Jadhav, Krishnakant Upadhyay etc. Itne daanveer owner hai koi aur, Batao.

Pune Warriors could be very well on the path to creating history, albeit of a different kind. We as Pune fans must be proud about what we are going to endure for the next few years. It will help us become mentally stronger and survive the cut throat corporate competition that we will soon be exposed to.