Situation #1: Opposition leader trying to do something good.
What to say:
What to say:
1. He is acting against larger national and secular interest.
2. Bring up the 1993 and 2002 riots in all speeches and link everything he does, to some anti-national and communal conspiracy.
2. Bring up the 1993 and 2002 riots in all speeches and link everything he does, to some anti-national and communal conspiracy.
3. This is against the culture of our great nation/ This is not how things are done in this country/ This is against the vision of our great leader Rajiv Gandhi.
What to do:1. Employ the media to run after him like hounds and try to catch each and every slip he makes during his speeches. Exaggerate and dramatize the controversial remarks while chosing to ignore issues regarding governance.
2. Portray him as the evil incarnate of Hitler+Napoleon+Stalin+PGP office combined.
3. Appoint intellectuals like Digvijay Singh, Manish Tewari as spokespersons and enjoy the gobar slinging between your party and the other.
4. Send your young incompetent and dim witted buffoon of a leader to make big speeches and feed nothing but empty glorious dreams to people.
Situation #2 : Terrorist Attack.
What to say:1. We condemn this attack. It is an inhuman act of cowardice and we are united in condemning it.
2. We have declared Red Alert across the country and investigation is going on.
3. It was a clear case of Intelligence failure and opposition party is responsible for that failure.
4. In the previous government, there were more number of people dying in terrorist attacks than our government. Hence the country is now safer. Thoda bahut toh chalta hai.
What to do:
1. Release statements such as " Thik Hai" and " We salute the spirit of this city"
2. Announce compensation for the dead and injured and siphon the allotted funds somewhere.
3. Put out unrecognisable sketches and keep saying that the police is doing their job.
4. Invite Hina Rabbani Khar to India or send either Salman Khurshid or S.M Krishna type people overseas.
5. This is the most important. Stop playing cricket against Pakistan.
Situation #3: Corruption and Scams
What to do:1. Employ the media to run after him like hounds and try to catch each and every slip he makes during his speeches. Exaggerate and dramatize the controversial remarks while chosing to ignore issues regarding governance.
2. Portray him as the evil incarnate of Hitler+Napoleon+Stalin+PGP office combined.
3. Appoint intellectuals like Digvijay Singh, Manish Tewari as spokespersons and enjoy the gobar slinging between your party and the other.
4. Send your young incompetent and dim witted buffoon of a leader to make big speeches and feed nothing but empty glorious dreams to people.
Situation #2 : Terrorist Attack.
What to say:1. We condemn this attack. It is an inhuman act of cowardice and we are united in condemning it.
2. We have declared Red Alert across the country and investigation is going on.
3. It was a clear case of Intelligence failure and opposition party is responsible for that failure.
4. In the previous government, there were more number of people dying in terrorist attacks than our government. Hence the country is now safer. Thoda bahut toh chalta hai.
What to do:
1. Release statements such as " Thik Hai" and " We salute the spirit of this city"
2. Announce compensation for the dead and injured and siphon the allotted funds somewhere.
3. Put out unrecognisable sketches and keep saying that the police is doing their job.
4. Invite Hina Rabbani Khar to India or send either Salman Khurshid or S.M Krishna type people overseas.
5. This is the most important. Stop playing cricket against Pakistan.
Situation #3: Corruption and Scams
What to say:
1. All allegations are baseless, untrue and politically motivated.
2. We have full faith in the country's judiciary and the law will take its own course.
3. Mr ABC was acting on his own and party/government had nothing to do with it.
4. Mr ABC is being made a scapegoat. Bring up coffin scam and other scams during previous government to achieve moral high ground.
What to do:
2. We have full faith in the country's judiciary and the law will take its own course.
3. Mr ABC was acting on his own and party/government had nothing to do with it.
4. Mr ABC is being made a scapegoat. Bring up coffin scam and other scams during previous government to achieve moral high ground.
What to do:
1. Do nothing. Ignore it.
2. Employ Delhi Police and CBI into investigating Sreesanth and Vindu Dara Singh's girlfriends and porn infested hard drives.
3. Hope for a rape or two in the global rape capital so that people start protesting and forget about the scam.Employ even more Police to calm the protests. Do nothing about the rape either.
4. Hope for Sachin Tendulkar to announce retirement.
5. Tell CBI to do investigation in super slow motion.
6. Blame CAG, Swiss Banks, Arvind Kejriwal, other political parties and sack a couple of people to keep them away from the spotlight.
Situation #4 : Fucked up economy, Rising Prices, Fuel Price Hike etc
What to say:
1. Quote bullshit study and say that most of India earns more than Rs 32 a day and hence no one is poor.
2. In the long run, prices will definitely come down and markets will stabilize.
3. The country's financial machinery is well equipped to handle the situation. We are not as affected by the global economic conditions as compared to other countries.
4. Do not forget that India is a growth story and we used to grow at 9% GDP only a while back.
What to do:1. Ask RBI to pull some magic. Tell them to increase/decrease and play with interest rates. If situation doesn't improve, one can always say that the RBI's actions were not sufficient/ RBI delayed in acting/ RBI is an RSS agent.
2. Get someone Harvard professor or hotshot corporate bigwig to give economics gyaan on TV.
3. Increase prices of petrol and roll it back after two days, shifting the focus to coalition pressures.
4. Release advertisements such as "EMI hua kam, Ghumne chale hum" and " India Shining" etc to make people nauseatic,irritated,amused and delirious at the same time. This surge of multiple emotions will render them incapable of processing information.
5. Ask people to pee in dams to increase flow of water in rivers so that our agrarian economic growth is somehow salvaged. Tell people to ride cycle or plain and simply Fuck off if they protest against petrol prices.
And that my friends, is how to run a goverment in India.
2. Employ Delhi Police and CBI into investigating Sreesanth and Vindu Dara Singh's girlfriends and porn infested hard drives.
3. Hope for a rape or two in the global rape capital so that people start protesting and forget about the scam.Employ even more Police to calm the protests. Do nothing about the rape either.
4. Hope for Sachin Tendulkar to announce retirement.
5. Tell CBI to do investigation in super slow motion.
6. Blame CAG, Swiss Banks, Arvind Kejriwal, other political parties and sack a couple of people to keep them away from the spotlight.
Situation #4 : Fucked up economy, Rising Prices, Fuel Price Hike etc
What to say:
1. Quote bullshit study and say that most of India earns more than Rs 32 a day and hence no one is poor.
2. In the long run, prices will definitely come down and markets will stabilize.
3. The country's financial machinery is well equipped to handle the situation. We are not as affected by the global economic conditions as compared to other countries.
4. Do not forget that India is a growth story and we used to grow at 9% GDP only a while back.
What to do:1. Ask RBI to pull some magic. Tell them to increase/decrease and play with interest rates. If situation doesn't improve, one can always say that the RBI's actions were not sufficient/ RBI delayed in acting/ RBI is an RSS agent.
2. Get someone Harvard professor or hotshot corporate bigwig to give economics gyaan on TV.
3. Increase prices of petrol and roll it back after two days, shifting the focus to coalition pressures.
4. Release advertisements such as "EMI hua kam, Ghumne chale hum" and " India Shining" etc to make people nauseatic,irritated,amused and delirious at the same time. This surge of multiple emotions will render them incapable of processing information.
5. Ask people to pee in dams to increase flow of water in rivers so that our agrarian economic growth is somehow salvaged. Tell people to ride cycle or plain and simply Fuck off if they protest against petrol prices.
And that my friends, is how to run a goverment in India.
