IIM ke after effects !!!

On one of the most special days of my life, HDFC chairman Deepak Parekh, Chief guest at my convocation at the Indian Institute of Management-Lucknow, spoke about the various side effects of passing out of an IIM : People have a preconceived notion about you; You keep wondering whether you have landed the right job and thirdly ;You fall prey to the lure of too-much-too-soon.

After about two and a half months into my first job, I realize that it's not just other people, but IIM students themselves, who have a pre conceived notion about their lives post those hallowed two years. An average MBA student, say Raj (The SRK fan in me refuses to die) graduates from an IIM with a multitude of expectations, the least of which are all the materialistic aspects of a comfortable life. However, he soon realizes that the pre-conceived notions he has about his post IIM life are nothing but just pre-conceived notions. All of you must have read a number of books and watched movies about Raj's life at a B-School. Numerous books about life at IIT, IIM etc have been written, with almost the same content and a little bit of sex thrown in, and each one has sold like hot cakes. Ever wondered why??

It's because anyone, in the world outside would love to associate oneself with this elite that IIM's have become. Anyone would jump at the opportunity of getting rejected by 60 companies in a single day, and yet have the chance to sit for 100 more companies. These are chances that people usually do not get. Therefore, even though presented in a totally over the top manner and written in horrible English, these stories sell. However, unlike books, which end where the guy gets the girl, friends promise to keep in touch and where IIM ends, real life doesn't. It isn't "happily ever after". It is in fact a life full of meetings (read this word as "Place where no work happens"), 12-14 hour work days, MS Office (Believe me I feel like I am in a relationship with MS Excel and MS PowerPoint), early morning flights, incessant travel, sales targets etc. It is too humdrum and boring a life, for the story to be of any interest to anyone. And thus no one writes about it, or makes a movie about it.But I can sure blog about it.  This one is for the fresh set of Raj's and Simran's who will enlist themselves into corporate slavery, 7-8 months from now. 

1. Meetings are not College Lectures. Don't sleep in them for a minute  

I learnt this the hard way. In those years of attending lectures, I guess out body becomes auto tuned to getting distracted and feeling sleepy whenever a monologue is being delivered. One month into the job, my boss dragged me along to a meeting that had no relevance with the project I was doing. I treated it way Finance students treat HR lectures and went into my own dreamland. After around 1.5 hours of the marathon meeting, my boss nudges me says -" I hope you are preparing the notes. You have to share the "Minutes Of Meeting" note with everyone". Damn, WTF. With a Virat Kohli-esque expression of utter disgust on my face, I looked around for the familiar, first bencher ghissu, whose notes I always xeroxed and studied, the night before the exams.Sadly, no one was around.

2. Having sound vocabulary does not mean you have great communication skills 

Perfidious, Verbatim, Lackadaisically, Indemnified etc etc. Remember how hard it was to memorize these words and their meanings. Congratulations, you will never have to use them again. Actually, using such words might put off your colleagues because it will be treated as condescending attitude which we MBA’s from IIM are anyways stereotyped for. Sales guys will know that debating about FDI in retail among like minded people in a GD is one thing, explaining it to a small kirana shop owner in Tirunelvelli in his own vernacular is a completely different kettle of fish. “Needs improvement in Communication Skills” will remain in the Key Development Area list forever. Don’t get upset by it. 

3. No, girls will not fall for you because of your salary slip. Sadly, their parents will – You fell for it when they told you about it happening if you join IIT, then you thought it will happen at a top B school. If you fall for the myth the third time, I will have to call you a buffoon. No guys, it will NOT happen. Even if you try the audacious stunt where you email her your salary slip and apologize later saying it was meant for some HR of the same name. Unfortunately, their parents will fall for you. Get ready to endure compliments and adoring stares from all aunties the next time you go for a relative’s marriage.

4. You need to prepare well for presentations and even expected Q and A’s – Every MBA has a story to share about how he managed to give a presentation once where he saw the slides for the first time while presenting.An MBA professor will be impressed by the figures in the presentation but not expect you to convert those promises into actions. Unfortunately, bosses are not that co-operative. Clients are even worse. All numbers you show and even the Globe you generate in your overzealous enthusiasm in the Q&A’s will be held against you in the next review. So beware, before you make any promises.

5. You are not as valuable to the company as you think – Thanks to the presentations HR's give, Raj’s start to think that they are important and start disrespecting the organization criticizing the archaic systems and inefficient babus in place. The fact is that IIM’s produce 1000 identical Raj’s every year. A large proportion of them leave their first job in 2 years. That honest, loyal, hard working clerk who has been with the organization for 30 years is unique. Simple demand supply economics will tell you clearly, the importance of each one of you.

However, life is not all that bad. There are Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays too. Which I spend blogging, or as normal people call it, ranting out.

Indian Premier League ke side effects

The Indian Premier League is back again, and has so far been controversy free after the towel-gate revelation last year. All said about Sreesanth, I miss the dancing, crying, slapping and all the other histrionics he did, in the name of fast bowling. Anyways, like every year, the IPL has managed to catch the eye of the cricket crazy Indian audience, in more ways than one.

1. The Theme Song : How they do it, I have no idea. But they sure do it really well. My friends who are into marketing can really learn from the IPL. They make the most irritating songs (Read Jumping Jhapang and Come on, Bulava Aaya hai) and even more moronic dance videos with Sidhu twirling his moustache and Jadeja leaning on cheerleaders, and yet their songs are on everyone's lips. Including Yours truly. Hats off on this one.

2. The Advertisements : I am still not over the " Mujhe bhi jaana hai, papa" ad from last year by SBI home loans and this year, we have Hema Malini selling Kent water purifiers with RO and UV technology, in her bland voice which puts you off to sleep. To her credit, they are better than the election ads of the Congress with our dear RaGa striking random poses, or the 10000 BJP ads. Ab Ki Baar, Aur Mat Pakao Yaar.

3. The One who never shuts up : Undoubtedly, he is the Salman Khan of the commentary box. Like him, he never makes sense, says awesome catch-phrases and anecdotes and yes, dances like a buffoon who has had to hold his pee for quite a long time. However, he is funny at times, and does run a one man show. People like listening to him, and I guess he is here to stay.

4. The Experts : You had wished the world had ended before Sachin Tendulkar retired. But now, you wish the world had ended before Shoaib Akhtar (of the fake accent) was hired as a cricket expert. Ramiz Raza is biased, Ravi Shastri is cliched, yes but even they at least tried to talk cricket, rather than calling fellow commentators tharki. Ajay Jadeja, Chetan Sharma and Kiran More, the less said the better. Only, lone ranger Harsha Bhogle holds fort. We miss you Sunny Sir. You could have praised Tendulkar for sitting in the Mumbai dug out and be the total team man, and spared us this bull shit.

5. The Hindi Commentary : The fact that they do not talk sense, is something that is very well known. But this year, simple reporting of facts too, is beyond them. Very clearly, they look into the TV monitor while speaking. One can forgive innocent enthusiastic mistakes like " Shaandar shot ek run ke liye", " Hawa mein khel diya hai stadium se bahar, aur ye catch out" but how on earth am I expected to live with " Aur ye fir se 6 run, Oh nahi ye toh pichli gend ka replay dikhaya hai". Sigh.

You know you are in HEL(L) when

"Chal peene" are your favourite two words. So much so, that you say it every time you get screwed in a test or a presentation. Basically, everyday

In case you are an engineer, when you got admission your friends were most excited about the awesome DU girls you will get to meet.

You love to move about in IIM-L Tshirts, Sweat shirts etc. You have such a huge collection that you hardly have any other clothes.

In case you came into IIM-L single, you are still single.

If you were committed when you came to IIM-L, you are still committed but the object (guy/girl) has changed.

In the first year, you felt the whole Internet, infrastructure, mess and the entire system sucks. When you entered the second year, you realized that status quo is the best way to move forward.

You hate the PGP office with more vengeance than Thakur hated Gabbar or Harry hated Voldemort.

You have spammed more than once in your life. And have also shown disgust at somebody else’s spam.

You free-ride most of the time and yet bitch about other people in the group freeriding.

You are convinced that Not Just Tea's food is much better than GNB’s and GNB inflates canteen bills. Or Vice Versa.  Although there is no evidence to prove the same.

You realize some things need to be changed. But when they do, you create a furore and dare the person who changed them.

You have not seen the cover of most of the books of the subject you have already passed with a decent grade.

Your favourite game is “Candy Crush Saga".

You participate in every damn college competition. Even if it is an operations or an HR game and you are a hardcore finance person.

You do social work to build up CV points. In fact, you believe that the very reason for human existence is "collection of CV points”.

You are an absolute stud at Googling and can unearth reports from Scribd, Management Paradise etc on any topic without even batting an eyelid. Also, you know how to fool Turnitin.

You are terrified of QAM-3 even though you had aced the very same concepts during engineering.

Your most often visited websites are Wikipedia, SlideShare and Facebook.

You feel that Gupta Ji is the most important person on campus, particularly at the end of a gruelling week.

No matter how busy you are, you will definitely find time to read such silly attempts of your batch-mates.

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