"Temperamental" me has moodswings all the time.There are times when I wouldn't really take notice or mind what happened and there are other times,when small incidents just stay,right there at the back of the mind.These pricky little afterthoughts and debatable questions,keep on building up and get cramped for space,in my cranium and churn up thoughts like"It can't really continue this way","Something needs to be done about this","The Next time it happens................"The inevitable is just lurking around.A disaster waiting to happen........
Stage 2:The "Explosion"
An impulse is all that is needed.A trigger,a stimulus just maddening or irksome enough so that all limits of patience are now exhausted.And then BOOM-the avalanche of venomous thoughts just pours out,unhindered and unstoppable and hits the subject of the impulse with brute force.Although an unwanted turn of events,considering the dreaded stages that follow,at that moment it does make one feel a little lighter and even a bit strong for standing upto something you disapprove of and for trying to bring about just that change in the humdrum and surrounding chaos.It may even be totally unexpected,without Stage 1 preceding it,and then it is just disruptive in nature.The confines and the invisible shackles around normal and mundane day to day life are broken and there is this feeling that Yes,something just happened.In both cases though,the explosion does leave indelible scars,and in some cases CLOSURE.
Stage 3:The"Silence"
The worst part of all.There is now a competitive angle to it.The ego battles begin.A constant tussle between the two halves of one's own mind,strategic moves made to ensue that one remains one up over the other and above all-the effort to make sure your paths don't directly cross.The waiting game,a combination of tug of war and chess,only played between egos.
There is this dark and eerie stillness in which conscience begins its shady whispering and begins an intense Q&A session."Was it really worth it","Was it really my fault","Is it always going to be me,who'll apologise and why not him".The mind begins searching for answers and when it gets tired of it,arises Stage 4.
Stage 4:"The Acceptance/Compromise"
The understanding phase.Queries finally begin to get responses.TheEgo battle though,is still on,in the background and is now subtle rather than cold.The adrenaline has now gushed back.Discoveries like"Who is this affecting the most-ME after all","Who needs them/Do they even need me","Ego skirmishes don't really have an end and there is a never a definitive victor".Normalcy begins to take over,yet again.If it is a person important enough,a compromise with the self is made."It's all right.After all.he's a friend.I/he made an honest and unknowing mistake".The Self understands and it is back to the lull after the storm.
Stage 5:"The Tomorrow"
When "Sorry" is not an option,maybe because friends are too close,or the fact that the ego of neither wants to lose in the power and mind battles and nor on the special bond,this is the fake game that people play.It is almost as if nothing unpleasant had ever taken place.Instead of a sorting out talk,this game involves a fake and icy banter between friends which is supposed to make things seem normal.Not surprisingly,Both parties play along,to avoid awkwardness and also take care not to mention "IT" in the future.Things get back to square one in minutes,but the case with this is that it gives rise to a cycle-Undercurrents of past bitterness still flow and the tension and cold air is perennial.Stage 1 lurks around in dark corners.The cycle continues..........
Brilliant thinking.. must say.
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